I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken