Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.