Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
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If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?