Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
it was a valiant fight
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years