Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Kidney stones? Hard pass
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…