*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.