*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents