I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Mmmm canned fish.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin