Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards