Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?