Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m listening
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?