Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I need this for my side hustle.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I can fix him.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀