If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
What my back needs
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.