I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
can’t talk my ride’s here
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday