Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.