“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
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[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?