Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.