My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.