If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Every time my phone rings
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
2022: I can fix it
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
i was baptized in a car wash
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea