[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
You Might Also Like
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat