Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
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I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You wish you had this many chins.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Science memes
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.