[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
and now we wait
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.