Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.