When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms