Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
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no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
How I’d get arrested…
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Well, this explains it:
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”