Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
scared to check what name she chose
it was a valiant fight
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
File under excellent bookstore names.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up