*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating