Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.