It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“i miss shittin on people”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)