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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*