The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
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ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Thursday Thought.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.