[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.