If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*puts cutlery down*
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.