Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
quarantine day 3
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A short story about romance.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Guantanamo Bae
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.