hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Support your local cemetery
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*