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I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered