Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?