Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
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13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though