“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You Might Also Like
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
What’s so funny?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE