My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!