I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
You Might Also Like
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti