How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.