DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.