Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
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There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller