FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
These aren’t even hard anymore.