You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy