therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
hey, alexa
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes