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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My favorite farside!!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx