If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.