“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
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Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.